Iam no writer .. blogging was supposed to be a way of therapy… to reach out to people in similar situation -to connect.
Last few days have not been able to pen down the phase of acceptance. I have been fooling myself ,I guess because I knew penning down would mean I have accepted.
This happened very organically and at a subconscious level, I started accepting her passing away. Over was the period of isolation,anger ,denial and bargaining. Nobody can prepare you to the physical pain on losing your mother. My biggest fear of acceptance was –
…will I forget her totally?
….what if I don’t grieve anymore?
…..does it tantamount to me wiping away all her memories ?
….has my love for “her” been archived in my memory’s library ?
All this because I was thriving on the feeling that life has dealt me a raw hand. Why my mother. So being a victim stopped me from going out here and facing the real world.
It took me some time to deal with all the above at a deep emotional level and then when it happened…. it changed me. The process is continuing but the day I opened the doors to acceptance , I was a different person.
My life turned. It was as if mum was back into my life again , guiding me,pushing me forward. Advising me and supporting me. I started feeling her presence all over again. I felt angels dancing around me and little fairies waving their magic wands . I saw life again. Same body same person but with the eyes of my soul. I realized I had soul eyes. We all have “soul eyes”. However we close those eyes as we want to follow the logical -the most obvious which is acceptable by society.
This phase of acceptance has been an eye opener .
Acceptance for me was reconnection … to self. Finally I was back in the drivers seat.. I was home .