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Resuming Life.

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Once survival mode is over and we accept the loss, it’s time to break the shell and grow.
I felt I was reborn. Same body , same soul , however with a new experience – “loss”
The metamorphosis had begun and the butterfly was ready to fly .
The questions I woke up with were:
Who Am I
What am I
Why Am I
This was even more challenging than death itself . A chapter of my life got over .The ending being: a part of me completely vanished. I saw myself disintegrating ,my very being dissipating in front of me. I was melting and before I evaporated I had to answer the above questions. I truly believe that the journey of life entails constant evolving. Thus began the quest to search for answers. This involved reading books on self help ,questioning spirituality, giving up a few people and walking away from the drama of life. All this to get my answers and to rediscover me .

The need for designer wear and a fancy lifestyle no longer mattered.The quality of people in my life was more important than quantity. I purged , cried, fought with myself and then it happened. The real me emerged .The three questions were finally answered.
All this was so new . In mid 40’s ,I learnt to respect, love and pamper myself. Hence began the love affair with myself. ( This will continue till the day I cross over.)
There were moments where I sat and screamed my guts out as I missed her so.
However it was during this journey she became more and more a part of my life. She became my mentor , my guide and my guardian. She watched over me like an angel.
As Thich Nhat Hanh said”I understood then that the idea of having lost my mother was just an idea. It was obvious in that moment that my mother is always alive in me”
Happiness and peace to all

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Acceptance …what it meant

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Iam no writer .. blogging was supposed to be a way of therapy… to reach out to people in similar situation -to connect.
Last few days have not been able to pen down the phase of acceptance. I have been fooling myself ,I guess because I knew penning down would mean I have accepted.
This happened very organically and at a subconscious level, I started accepting her passing away. Over was the period of isolation,anger ,denial and bargaining. Nobody can prepare you to the physical pain on losing your mother. My biggest fear of acceptance was –
…will I forget her totally?
….what if I don’t grieve anymore?
…..does it tantamount to me wiping away all her memories ?
….has my love for “her” been archived in my memory’s library ?
All this because I was thriving on the feeling that life has dealt me a raw hand. Why my mother. So being a victim stopped me from going out here and facing the real world.
It took me some time to deal with all the above at a deep emotional level and then when it happened…. it changed me. The process is continuing but the day I opened the doors to acceptance , I was a different person.
My life turned. It was as if mum was back into my life again , guiding me,pushing me forward. Advising me and supporting me. I started feeling her presence all over again. I felt angels dancing around me and little fairies waving their magic wands . I saw life again. Same body same person but with the eyes of my soul. I realized I had soul eyes. We all have “soul eyes”. However we close those eyes as we want to follow the logical -the most obvious which is acceptable by society.
This phase of acceptance has been an eye opener .
Acceptance for me was reconnection … to self. Finally I was back in the drivers seat.. I was home .

 

Hurt …pain

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Hurt. The ache ,the pain. Can I quantify. Can I give it a numeric value. Can I give it a formula ..?

why quantify? so that I can say Voila ! My contribution to the world. My very own discovery . Hurt Quantified.
What is hurt. .. it is pain. What is pain . How do I describe pain . Is it guts being ripped apart? is it a need to cry?
Or

is it just solitude?

thougths racing across my mind.
Is pain global… is it same for all of us ? Is it the same for all circumstances . Is the depth different is the feeling different. Is it same across the gender and age .
I have no clear answers or logical reasons. However Pain is pain . It’s a dull ache .
Be it death , loss, failure or a broken relationship. It is the same feeling -like for a child dropping his last candy on the floor-END of the world.
Yes that’s it. End of the world. Nothing to keep the zing in life .. the song of love goes silent … from a coloured Hd movie life becomes black and white.
So reflecting and searching and seeking … I quantified pain – atleast for myself.
It is running around like a headless chicken ,packing in 48 hours of work in 24 hours.
Denying happiness
Denying love
Building a wall around me .
Life of a zombie. Yes that’s pain for me. Live in isolation. Not from the world but from my very self. My soul and my higher self.

I guess bargaining never ends. Has it ended for me -NO.
Does life continue-YES.
The biggest question I ask myself . Am I depressed ? Was I ever depressed?
I was dealing with 3 dimensions of the same spectrum
img_2227Loss … the three dimensions being…
Death, end of some key relationships and financial loss.
It was like the universe was knocking on my door and telling me , girl learn from all these challenges. Whether grief or depression, I knew I had to continue. I had a Herculean task ahead of me. I took upon myself not be be challenged by the challenges and hence stepped in to second phase of my spiritual journey. I truly becam a seeker. Depressed I was, weighed down by it – no.
I made a conscious effort to seek a lesson in every challenge and in every lesson I sought for an answer . All this erosion was happening at a very molecular level.
I stubbornly refused accept the loss of my mother , my acrimonious relationship with my spouse and end of my relationship with my sibling (who I still dear love). I became an ostrich. So when it suited me , I dug my head into the ground and refused to accept. Which was most of the time.
It was this phase in life I peeled my self like an onion and delved into the process of self learning . From EFT to chanting , acess consciousness to chakra healing , angel therapy to numerology , I started reading voraciously and learning along the way.
This stage of depression was short however the lessons were deep.
This gave me peace , helped me connect to myself and my higher powers. Hence began my love affair with myself -first time in 40 years .